PATTAYA - HEAVEN OR HELL?

Well, there I was, 11 am on a Sunday morning, sitting in a bar in some sleazy alley in Pattaya. OK, so it was across the street from my hotel and I couldn't be stuffed walking any further because its too bloody hot. This is not something I would normally be doing at that time. But I was only nursing a relatively harmless can of Coke Zero, unlike most others around who were still hard at it from the night before. And my hotel room does have to get cleaned sometime. Anyway, on the three giant screen TV's, there was good old AC/DC, all hot'n'sweaty, belting out Highway to Hell at a volume that was setting off car alarms. Go Angus, and take that you Euro wusses! That's classic Oz Rock, that is. Then I thought, well, that's probably a pretty appropriate description of Pattaya generally. Highway to Hell. No speed limits and toll free-perhaps-until you actually get there.

In fact I did already opine to some of you that one gets an uneasy feeling around here that pretty soon, God will lose patience with all the sinning going on in this town to the point where he will wreak his divine vengeance upon it, and smite it from existence in a pillar of righteous fire. You know what, yesterday morning there was a thunderstorm here that convinced me that was exactly what was happening! Holy shit it was terrifying, I can't recall a louder one. But it turned out to be a false alarm, vis a vis Armageddon. Just a routine meteorological event, but highly memorable all the same.

Blind Freddy could tell you that Pattaya is the world's largest knock shop. Whatever your particular bent, you can get it here. Its the mega-mall of carnal desire, normal, abnormal and just plain freaked right out, and let me tell you, I've seen freaky over the last 40 years. Probably the crassest part is called Walking Street, down near the beach, which just goes off like a bomb every night. Freak central, with busloads of unsuspecting and soon-to-be traumatised tourists dumped there just so they can say they've been there. I reckon that's just a distraction. The less spectacular but more insidious underbelly of the place is right next to where I'm staying. You can't say Big Bike Tours doesn't look after their customers!

Anyway, I'm not going to elaborate too much, call me if you want the details. Nothing I can say or do is going to change anything here, and I certainly have no right to occupy the moral high ground, (Hell, I've just had so much oil rubbed into my skin I feel like a Drizabone raincoat--but I do look years younger!) but the truth is that this town is all about sex for sale on an industrial scale, and that, as always, some people are making a heap of money from it at the expense of a lot of others. Ok, nothing new about that, and you can argue over the morality or even the necessity and practicality of it all till you're blue in the face. But I think that underneath all the partying-and there is no shortage of punters wanting to play-Pattaya is not really Fantasyland, the happiest kingdom of them all. I actually think it's a sad place. If people are willing participants, ok fine, that's their business, but I do get the feeling that a lot of people who work here have no choice but to do what they do. And yet even that is unbelievably well disguised most of the time, such is the enigma that is Thailand. I guess if you see and do the same thing all the time, then that is by definition, normal. And then you just try to be as positive as you can. The Buddhists' high level of tolerance and acceptance probably helps, though I'm not sure the Buddha would actually approve. If he does, I might consider switching. I reckon the Christian God might be taking notes though. And of course Allah would definitely be outraged, but apparently it doesn't take much to upset him, and this is not in his electorate anyway. Just as well, because you would find Lord Lucan and Jimmy Hoffa having a beer together before you found a virgin around here.

Moving right along, the annual week of madness that is Songkran (Thai New Year) has just erupted on the streets of Pattaya. Have a look at my earlier blog entry for Songkran in Phuket in 2008 for the squelchy and saturated details. Suffice to say it is in fact impossible to walk down the street without getting (at least) soaking wet. I don't begrudge the Thai kids a bit of fun, they really love it. But inevitably of course, there are squillions of idiot tourists -mostly British lager louts in this area (ie tattooed boofheads in shorts and singlets) -who want to get right into it, and are armed with humungous water cannons and bags of coloured flour to prove it. Well, I suppose a Pom having a wash is a good thing. I carefully timed this trip to avoid most of Songkran, but a day or two overlap was necessary. So, basically I'm a refugee in the hotel until I can sneak out for a feed later tonight, and hopefully I can dry my stuff before heading up to Bangkok tomorrow afternoon for my flight home tomorrow (Monday) night. But there's always a few people on the ball. This year's big seller on the streets is a waterproof pouch that you can sling around your neck to keep your important documents safe and dry.

Did I mention the food?? Sure, I did! That's one thing I will seriously miss when I leave Thailand this time. Half the things I've eaten on this trip I've never even seen before, and the textures and taste combinations are beyond mere words. I'll have some work to do when I get back to replicate this fantastic gastronomic experience. Till next time, thanks for coming. Did I really say that?

NAN TO PATTAYA

This ride is becoming a bit of a blur. It also points out to me how hard it must be to run a bike tour that pleases everybody. While the small group size allowed everybody to get to know one another, and it was in fact a sports bike oriented group, anything that wasn't directly connected to screaming through the twisties or chugging beer as soon as you get to the next hotel appeared to me to be dismissed with contempt. The organisers had put together what I thought was a good balance of great riding and scenery, good accommodation with sensational food and interesting cultural features worthy of some consideration. I would have liked to have spent a bit more time soaking up the culture, getting the feel of the countryside and interacting with the locals than I got. The itinerary was frequently changed at the last minute in as much as numerous side trips or visits of interest were dropped or at least cut short because of some majority declaration of disinterest. And how you can book on a tour that runs from Chiang Mai to Pattaya, then complain because it goes to Pattaya, and necessitates some highway riding to get there within the allocated time frame is, frankly, beyond my comprehension.

This did not happen on any of the Compass Expeditions trips I have done. So maybe I was on the wrong tour, I just don't know. I guess adventure riders pace themselves and understand that each day is an achievement, while sports bikers just want an adrenaline hit. Right, so that's my little gripe. But I'm happy that I got to Pattaya in one piece, without crashing or dropping the bike and without getting crook after probably taking a few risks, both on the road and at chow time. I now have a few days to relax.

Now, back to the ride. From Nan, where we stayed in a resort that looked more like it should have been in Africa than Thailand, we headed to Sukhothai via the Sirikit Dam and had an interesting ferry crossing along the way. Sukhothai is one of Thailand's ancient capitals, and it's Historical Park is World Heritage listed. Dating from around 1200AD, its stone pillars and Wats (temples) are reminiscent of Cambodia's Ankor Wat, and are in themselves quite splendid in their scale and setting. Time for some photos.

Round adobe huts with thatched roofs in Nan.

A very basic ferry with no propulsion at all.

It gets towed (slowly) by this guy in a punt with an outboard and long shafted prop.

World Heritage Listed Sukhothai Historical Park

From here, we moved on to Khao Kho, which is known as Little Switzerland. Bit of a stretch, I thought, but an elevated area with pleasant scenery and a year round mild climate. Two things of interest here. First, a memorial park dedicated to the Thai military who fought off a serious attempt at overthrow by the Thai Communist Party backed by China between 1965 and 1984. And by the look of some of the damaged equipment, it was the real thing.

The other point of interest is the hotel we stayed in, and the unreal collection of motorcycles belonging to the owner.  In two purpose built display areas, this guy has a heap of Harleys, including an outrageous chopper, a K1600GT Sport, a Can-Am Spider, a 1200GSA, a Goldwing F6B, several Vespa Scooters, a pile of other Jap stuff, and several old BMWs undergoing restoration. Oh, and one of those 1950's silver bullet Desi and Lucy caravans, fully kitted out. And what does this guy do for a living, apart from running a not so flash hotel? He is the retired Chief of Police for the region. Hmmmm. 2+2 = 4 would be my conclusion.

From Khao Kho, we headed to Khao Yai (confusing, isn't it?) Until I found out Khao means Mountain in Thai. Here is the first gazetted of Thailand's numerous National Parks, about  2000 sq kms and home to lots of wildlife, including tigers, buffalo, monkeys and elephants, and numerous smaller animals and birds. I did see an elephant and a few monkeys, and thankfully, no tigers. And the Park is also the site of the waterfall used in the movie The Beach, starring Leonardo Decaprio. Even though in the movie, it was supposed to be on an island somewhere off the coast, not in the middle of the bloody country. Poetic licence I guess.

And from there, as noted above, it was a bit of a bunfight from that point on as we headed to Pattaya on the more major roads and National Highways. And as I recall my previous visit to Thailand, where we noted that within about 160 km of Bangkok, the traffic starts to build up rapidly, and the jockeying for supremacy really gets going. No different this time. Once again, it was bloody hot, particularly when the traffic stops, or while lane splitting to get to the front of the line. I filled my Camelback twice, drank another couple of litres on top of that, I sweated like an absolute pig and was completely knackered from the heat and concentration when I got here. I had to take some electrolyte replacement and stand in the shower for half an hour to get my core temperature down. And once again, my riding gear is absolutely putrid. It sure gets a workout. I dumped a pair of gloves a few days ago, and right now, my riding pants are soaking in the tub, and I think I'll leave my boots and helmet here. They owe me nothing, and it will be easier to pack without them.

I may or may not have anything to add regarding Pattaya itself. I'm here for 5 nights which may be way too much or way too little, depending on one's point of view. Watch this space.


 

HIGHWAY 1148

Apparently this particular stretch of bitumen in Thailand's north east is rated in the top ten motorcycle roads in the world. I guess such claims are usually pretty spurious, ie says who? what kind of road? what does "best" mean anyway? etc. Tell you what, if you like fast sweeping bends, fast climbs, even faster descents, the odd switchback, hardly any other traffic and about 100 km of winding bitumen as smooth as a baby's bum, you might want to look into it. And the scream from the Arrow exhaust at 11,000 rpm just put the icing on the cake.

I'm no Valentino Rossi, but just check out my back tyre after one of the most exhilarating rides I've ever had. Say no more.




YEAH, BABY !!

 

BLESSED ARE THE BIG NOSES..........

The Thai word for westerners is "falang", which means long or big nose. A rather unflattering term, but probably an interesting observation about what they see as our most prominent and overt feature. Well, if you dish it out, you have to be able to cop it back, so I say fair enough. I really do like the Thai culture though. It is built on a solid foundation of Buddhist  tolerance and respect, as well as lack of ego. Sure, this doesn't apply to everyone, and they have some of the same problems we all do, but we could learn a lot from them.

Well, I was pretty much right. It is fast, seriously fast. Faster than I want to go really. However, as the entire country seems to be covered in really heavy smoke, its not like I'm missing out on seeing anything. That is to say, if I was going slower, I would not have seen any more. So I have been concentrating on riding, not looking at panoramic vistas. We have a small group, 2 Aussies, 1 American and me, with a ride leader and support vehicle driver alternating these duties. The routes chosen are picked primarily on how many bends they have, so this is very much a sportsbike type tour. We have covered a lot of distance without making much progress, if I can put it that way. Less adventure, more speed, but a change is a good thing.

Get this, my bike is fitted with a siren and a set of alternating blue and red police flashing lights!! Only in Thailand. Handy things to have, and naturally I have been having heaps of fun with them, mostly at the expense of unsuspecting road users. The bike itself has a short underslung exhaust, with an Arrow muffler, and it doesn't muffle much at all really. The bike has a punchy exhaust note anyway, but the Arrow gives it a nice loud bark, and it is fun to ride, if a little uncomfortable for a guy my height with its low seat. See photos below.

We have been riding for 4 days, basically in a circle. First we headed south from Chiang Mai, then west to the Burmese border, and followed it up to the Golden Triangle region where Burma, Thailand and Laos meet. We have had a boat ride across the Mekong into Laos for some local shopping. We then headed south along the Laotian border on Hwy 1148 to Nan, which is due west of Chaing Mai. Today is a rest day in Nan, so I have time to catch up on things like laundry and blogging. From time to time we cross paths with mass tourism, but most of the time we are on backroads, so I'm happy getting into places where few others go. Our accommodation is very good, and the food is sensational. We are almost totally eating local, and I've only blown my head off with chillie just the once (and I like it hot!). I try not to think too hard about things like kitchen hygiene, que sera, sera, but so far so good.

Generally the roads have been good, although the backroads are frequently narrow and bumpy, often with patches of gravel, so one does need to be on the ball. Traffic has been quite manageable, with the odd scary moment, but it all seems to flow with no fuss, and no aggro either. The Thais seem quite unconcerned about such minor matters as they go about their business.

 

 

GOTTA GET A SET OF THESE !!













 

 

 



 

VIEWS IN AND AROUND CHIANG MAI

SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT THE SMOG/SMOKE/HAZE

PARTS OF THE WALL AROUND THE OLD CITY

I was fortunate enough to wander into a big temple complex while there was a ceremony happening. It was the intake of a new batch of apprentice Buddhist monks. It was very crowded, with only a few foreigners there. These kids had just had their heads shaved and were being given their saffron robes in front of their very proud families. I felt somewhat privileged to stumble onto it, but it was nearly finished and I could only grab a couple of photos, which do not do it justice, but here they are.

I did notice that a few of the kids were pretty darn hefty. They'll have a hard time renouncing earthly temptations, particularly the ones that taste good. But, a couple of years in the monastery getting up and scrubbing the floors at 3 am then wandering the streets begging for food, all the while contemplating the challenges imposed by Lord Buddah, and the pounds will just melt away. No offence, but rather you than me, cookie boy.

THAILAND IS A LAND OF CONTRASTS......and mixed messages.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

....................NOT TO MENTION MANGLED ENGLISH

HERE ARE A FEW SHOTS OF VARIOUS TEMPLES WITHIN THE PRECINCTS OF THE OLD CITY WALLS.

I'm only guessing, but the oldest might be 6 or 700 years old, and some of the newer ones are in a lot better shape than I've seen elsewhere. And check out this rain forest giant. Maybe one day people will come here just to see the trees.

But wait, there's more. This morning I headed out in another direction. Being early Sunday morning, there was not much traffic and it was somewhat cooler. I walked through Party Central, wall to wall bars and eventually the night markets. Sometimes things do look better when its dark, so I might have to try again tonight. That's if I can walk tonight. My right knee (the one I just had surgery on) is blown up like a balloon, which is a bit of a worry, so I might have to ease up on being a pedestrian. Walking around the streets in Asia is pretty tricky at the best of times. You really do have to watch where you put your feet. On the footpath, and I use the term very loosely, you are at constant risk of breaking an ankle or worse, treading in something you'll never forget. Its actually safer to walk on the road, at least the traffic will go around you. I hope.

OK, here's a few more quite spectacular temples, and a few other things.

YES, I KNOW THAT FEELING!

I THINK ITS CALLED WORK!!!

YEAH, OK, NO IDEA EITHER.

HONDA 50CC, WITH CARBON FIBRE EXHAUST, INVERTED FORKS, BELLS, WHISTLES. ITS FULLY FARKLED.



THAT'S MORE OF THE OLD CITY WALL.

Tomorrow morning we begin with a group briefing, then get started on what some of us came here for. I mean bike riding. We start with a 225 km day which will take us into Doi Inthanon National Park, home of the highest peak in Thailand, then our first overnight stop at Khun Yuam. I've never heard of them either, lucky I brought a map.

ARRIVAL IN CHIANG MAI

Bloody Hell! I wouldn't want to go through that again. I don't mean spending hours in a plane trussed up like a chicken getting to Chiang Mai, I mean trying to log on to the hotel wifi. The laptop went into meltdown when I switched it on, and 2 hours later I'm not sure how I got this far, certainly not the usual way, so this is a pure fluke. Future posts may be problematical, so bear that in mind over the next couple of weeks.  And today is Saturday 29, not Friday 28, so the clock on the laptop is a day out of whack. Anyhow, I got into town last night at about 9 pm local. Considering I did not sleep particularly well the night before departure, then got up at 4 am to get going, I had been up for a lazy 23 hours before I could crawl back into the sack and I was fairly knackered. (Understatement of the week, I felt like threepence worth of cat crap).

A few quick observations:

• You can get Guinness in Thailand, well at least in the airport in Bangkok, so apologies for my earlier doubts.
• The Suvanabumi airport terminal in Bangkok is freaking huge, even though I have been in it previously.  Its true size was only revealed after I had to walk about 2km (really) from one end and almost but not quite to the other end to change planes. It's supposed to be the second biggest in the world, but I'm wary of such claims, they are often vaguely defined until you read the fine print. But it's gigantic, no doubt about that---and it's busy. What a bunfight, I thought. It will be a bloody miracle if my luggage and I get to Chiang Mai at the same time, and there is anyone from Big Bike Tours there to collect me. Clearly, miracles happen. Apologies once again for my doubts.

• In Bangkok airport I had a bit of time to kill, so headed for the eatery. All the usual suspects were there, and for about $10, I could have bought a heart attack in a box. For about $3, I went local with a green chicken curry and rice. It was like a belt in the face with a wet doormat. And it really was green. Bright green. A strange and possibly unnatural green, with stuff floating in it. As I warily circled it, I detected its pungency from about three feet away. OK, let's not die wondering! The sour bite of lemongrass, the sweet tang of coconut and the volcanic heat of the chillies soon had me perspiring just under the eyes and gasping slightly for air. The little floating green things which looked like peas but were bigger and crunchier had me intrigued, but it was just superb. And this in an airport! I had to put out the flames with an icy cold Singha, naturally. Yippee, this is going to be a culinary treat, I can tell.

• The mozzies ambushed me. The baggage collection area in Chiang Mai was swarming with the little sods, and all my repellent and other chemical warfare agents were in my luggage. Round one to the mozzies, on points.

•  The sky is very hazy up here, and visibility severely restricted, so I suspect the scenic panoramas may be compromised. Bit of a shame, hopefully it might clear up. I have been told its because right now the farmers are burning off whats left of the rice crops. How do you set fire to a rice paddy? Never mind.

• The hotel I'm in might have been three star about 30 years ago, ok but tatty and down at heel. At breakfast this morning, it was no trouble playing Spot the Aussie. Shorts, thongs, singlet, beergut, tatts. And that's just the women. We just ooze class, don't we? No trouble playing Spot the Paedophile either. Or the Germans. Or possibly both. Got the picture?

I was picked up at the airport by the two owners of Big Bike Tours (BBT). Kay is German, a  former road racer, and Nirin is a local who looked fast just standing still, kind of twitchy and walked with a limp. Both looked like sports bike riders, and I think this ain't going to be a slow ride.

Anyhow, I'm off for a walk around the town, and hopefully I'll have some pictures to post before we saddle up and head out on Monday.

I'M BAAAAAACK !!

Well hello once again readers. And a Happy St Patrick's Day it is to all of you and yours, to be sure, to be sure and a begosh and a begorrah. Break out the Jamieson's. Well oiled beef hooked, and so on and so forth. What's new with you? Was that "Same old same old" that I just heard? Surely not. If I was to ask myself the same question, or if you were to ask it of me, the answer that would be given would be "Just about every goddam thing you can think of". All the stuff that you use when you fill in forms anyway, except name and date of birth. I'm not going to bang on about it, its now in the past, I survived, and the rest of my life has already started. But I will say this. At times of crisis, you find out who your real friends are. And to all those of you who helped me and cared about me over the last year, I cannot thank you enough. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, forget it, and just keep on reading. Normal service has been resumed.

I thought I better have a practice run on the blog, because two years have passed since I completed my adventure in the US and Canada, and technology waits for nobody, especially us dinosaurs. Of course the Blogger Dashboard has changed again. Of course I have to learn a whole pile of new tricks. And having only recently become comfortable with the word Google, now I have to get on top of the word Dongle. Sounds like something you could get arrested for. How long before we all get a computer chip embedded in the cerebral cortex, and I can do a post on the web just by thinking about it? Can't be too far away by now, surely. Probably just after I kick the bucket. And by the way, I hope that is many long years away.

Aah yes, I'm feeling better already. Right, let the next adventure commence. "Once more into the mysterious East dear friends," he said with Shakespearian authority. Actually one Eastern mystery I would really like cleared up before I get on a plane again is what the hell happened to Malaysian Airlines flight MH370, and I know I'm not alone on that one. In less than 2 weeks, your truly will be flying to Chiang Mai over that same stretch, albeit with Qantas. You know, Qantas, the world's safest airline. The one that does everything properly. The one that is about to sack 5,000 workers. The one that wants to get its maintenance done by the people who fix Malaysian Airlines planes. The one that thinks getting on Air Crash Investigation is free publicity. The one that loses billions of dollars a year, because unpatriotic Aussies who should be on board are flying Wog-Air just because its cheaper and are stopping over in some desert crap hole where you can't get a beer and where they stop to pray every 30 minutes. Praying to go and live somewhere else, I reckon. I seem to have lost my train of thought.

Ah yes, Thailand. Well, I've been to the Travel Doctor already. They send a taxi to get me when I want to travel these days. Have you heard Mike Green is travelling again! Great, I can finally put in an order for that new Mercedes! I think I must have had just about every vaccination you can get, except for maybe Ebola. This time it was just a top up -  a bit of typhoid, a dash of swine flu. Oooh, you'll like this one, its just come in- it's the new Dengue Fever custom special, and it's really turning heads in Malawi this year. 360 degrees, mostly. But seriously, its back on the anti-malarials again. No doubt the mozzies are already massing in their billions in Asia's fetid jungles and swamps - and the millions of old car tyres littering peoples yards- in eager anticipation of their next feast. As soon as one of their all time favourite dishes arrives in town, they'll go absolutely bunta, like they always do. Well this time I'm packing red label Bushman, you little bastards, so bring it on!

Righto, see you (and the mozzies) when I get there on the 28th. I wonder if I'll be able to get a Guinness in Thailand? Didn't think so. Bloody Protestants.